I’ve entered a new stage in the bardo of sickness, another summer of my long goodbye to life 

Bon souper là,

Outside Harvard, Illinois

The last time I felt like I feel today I was three years out on my heart attack.

Eight years post-widow maker I’m running out of gas.


It’s time for another echocardiogram and a stress test.

I have proven to be much harder to kill me than my cardiologist had previously anticipated.

We’re going to have another go at it though.

I’m game.

So much is happening in the world these days it would suck big time to not get to see how everything turns out.




Filed under Buddhism

16 responses to “I’ve entered a new stage in the bardo of sickness, another summer of my long goodbye to life 

    • Next stop Tsurphu, a fitting end.

    • Not yet. The agitation in favour of Orgyen Trinley Ripoche is massive and Rijiju (buddhist form the Twang Area) has to be condsidered a lobbyist of Dharamsala. There are still enough ministers inside the Indian government who do not want any indirect Chinese influence in Sikkim and still are critical with concern to the camp of the Karmapa claimant Orgyen Trinley Dorje.

  1. Warrenz

    As some one going thru health challenges at the minute too I can empathise. My takeaway has been that there are few things worth getting worked up about. Chill and live long, Bill.

    • The clarity I am experiencing is bliss, the culmination of a lifetime practice. I have truly realized the blessings of my guru’s wisdom. I have this from Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche himself, his confirmation of my accomplishment as his disciple.

      I hope you are feeling better.

      For all I cared as a young man that Khenpo Karthar was from Tibet or a Buddhist meant nothing to me. I’m not his disciple of such. What has bound us as guru and disciple for the entirety of our life together is death.

      I wanted to know how to die. My father died young so this was my life’s preoccupation since the moment he passed away. What was that about? I had to know. I am forever in his debt for my appreciation of what I am experiencing at this moment. This is my guru’s lineage which I today among my peers hold, how to die aware.

      The last time I was experiencing what I am today was over a decade ago. I lacked the stability of awareness I have today after so many years of practice since . I was close but not quite there yet as a dharma practitioner, so I quit working to get me over the hump, to take my practice to where I needed to be to die aware. That was three years before the widow maker. Obviously I survived.

      Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche is a bad man. What he did when he returned to Yushu after the Karmapa died was bad for Tibetans, his people. He collaborated with the Chinese. Rinpoche thought he was dying and wanted to be where he came from one last time. I get it. I went through the same thing the last time I thought I was dying. All I wanted was to be back in St Bruno, Quebec, just to be where I was from one last time.

      I don’t blame Khenpo Karthar for what he did. He’s my guru. I take issue not with that he collaborated with the Chinese but that my peers don’t get what he did. As Americans they haven’t a clue what Rinpoche did. They love what the Chinese have done for our guru. After the Karmapa all Rinpoche wanted was to die in retreat. He was done. If not for the Chinese Rinpoche wouldn’t be alive today.

      Khenpo Karthar never pretended to be doing other than what he did. That he was a collaborator had no meaning to him. It’s a Francophone issue, much more so than Anglophones in my experience. Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche was run out of Yushu Prefecture by Tibetans. The Chinese entered Yushu under the pretext of preserving order and were welcomed as such by the people. He never pretended otherwise with me.

      To this day, from the day the Chinese let him to present he has had nothing bad to say about the Chinese. And for good reason I might add. Without the Chinese nothing was possible for him as Tibetan exile living in the West. With the Chinese everything he ever wanted became possible.

      Sadly for my beloved guru he today finds
      himself on the wrong side of history as far as the Chinese are concerned, not that any of this concerns him in the least as a collaborator. For my peers though they have only begun to get what this means for them and their future, the legacy of his collaboration. They are feeling it quite acutely at this point in their lives finding themselves on the outside looking in as Rinpoches disciples.

      My peers are nothing to their guru compared to his Chinese disciples and they know it, especially since the Russians hacked the 2016 election here, which has woke so many of them to the us and them world I come from, a captive nation of French speakers whom don’t want to be part of English speaking Canada. Unlike our beloved guru none of them are prepared to give up the freedom that is their birthright as citizens of their country to harmonize their lives with the dictates of the Chinese.

      Anyway all this will be a moot point when Ogyen Trinley Dorje returns to Tsurphu with the Black Crown of course. We all know at this point in history how this story is going to end. His travel abroad this year will be his last. This where he is at in his life. He’s done. It is only a matter of time. It’s only a matter of India and China coming to terms on the future of Sikkim.

      Thus the press blackout of this year’s travel abroad. He’s taking care of his interests in the West, a private matter as far as he is concerned. Nothing he does is our business at this point. All of which keeps me going at this point in terms of my dying.

      I want to see my guru’s collaboration with the Chinese to completion, to witness the day it is announced to the world that Ogyen Trinley Dorje and the Black Crown are in Tsurphu, all that my guru collaborated with the Chinese to accomplish. If only for his sake I want this for him.

      • Warrenz

        I have not developed the siddhi of seeing the future but your vision does not seem likely to me. The Black Crown is in Rumtek and likely to remain there for many more years to come. Thaye Dorje may have lost the title match but it costs relatively little to tie it up there for decades. If Ogyen Trinley’s return to Tsurphu with the Black Hat is what’s keeping you alive, then you can look forward to a ripe old age, Bill.
        As for me, what I am sure of is that whatever happens is the radiance of mind’s display. I can admire it even if I cannot change it.

        • What matters here is that what I share here can be proven wrong. That’s it. Prove me wrong. Nobody cares what you think of me. In the end that is all you have to share here. Ogyen Trinley Dorje takes money from the Chinese. Prove me wrong. A Tibetan whom takes money from the Chinese is a collaborator. Prove me wrong. As far as the Chinese are concerned the Black Crown is Chinese and belongs in China. Prove me wrong. And so on.

          Sadly you aren’t in a position as such to prove me wrong so all you do is throw shade here for lack of anything to share here otherwise. You would love to share here what you know of what Akong Rinpoche did. But you can’t. Unlike you I am seen as accomplished in the eyes of my peers. Agree or disagree I am untouchable in their eyes as a senior disciple of Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche.

          Unlike you whom if any of your peers caught you speaking out of turn here would censured for doing so if your peers are at all like mine. If someone is in anyway connected to my peers and they find out said person is posting comments here they are dealt with in no uncertain terms. If I am as wrong as you think I am there are people in a position to set the public record straight as such.

          It is public record that my guru, along with Thrangu and Akong Rinpoche did collaborate with the Chinese to enthrone Ogyen Trinley Dorje as 17th Karmapa in furtherance of the oppression of the Tibetans of occupied Tibet. The theory of my peers at the time was that China was done in Tibet. Mao was dead, and so on.
          It goes without saying that history has been unkind to my peers in this regard.

          My peers clearly did not intend to harm the people of Tibet but in the end they did just that. If not for what happened China would have no standing in the selection of the Dalai Lama’s successor. They made Ogyen Trinley Dorje the 17th Karmapa. They disappeared the Panchen Lama and replaced him with their own Panchen Lama. It will happen.

          Ogyen Trinley Dorje is returning to Tsurphu with the Black Crown.

          • Warrenz

            You forget Bill that wily old Shamar, when he realized he’d been outsmarted by Situ, tied Rumtek and its contents in tight legal knot so that even if Situ’s choice became Karmapa, he would never control the Black Hat and other relics. The Indian courts will determine who gets the Black Hat and as Diamondway and the Thaye Dorje’s wealthy Chinese backers pay the legal fees it will stay at Rumtek for decades to come.

            Thaye Dorje has been to China on several occasions in the last few years. Ogyen Trinley has not been once since his escape. How come you do not think the former is a Chinese stooge? He has as much access to the Black Hat as OTD.

            • Both the Hat and your Karmapa are Chinese in all but name.


              This has nothing to do with either Shamar Rinpoche or Karmapa Thaye Dorje.

              Ogyen Trinley Dorje takes money from the Chinese.

              He’s been at it since 2007.

              We are talking about a multi-million dollar slush fund.

              This is Chinese money taken by a Tibetan leader on an unprecedented scale.

              • Warrenz

                You have no evidence that any money comes from the PRC Govt to OTD. Just Dharma conspiracy theories. This is sure reads more like untoward everyday.

                • Warrenz

                  Damned auto correct. ” like infowars “.

                • The issue is Ogyen Trinley Dorje’s Chinese funded slush fund.


                  You can’t Sean Spicer this.


                  We are talking about a Tibetan exile who has taken an unprecedented amount of money from the Chinese for over a decade.

                  This is what is being discussed.

                  Ogyen Trinley Dorje is to the Chinese what Donald Trump is to the Russian.

                  Tibetans, we see you.

                  After 60 years of these Stateless Tibetans playing the refugee card.

                  • Warrenz

                    If you knew anything about the Karmapa controversy, Tibetan or Chinese politics or the Indian legal system for that matter, you’d know that OTD getting the Black Hat is not possible.
                    As long as TD and Ole want to keep fighting for Rumtek and the relics, OTD will never get his hands on them.
                    This is not about OTD but about your relationship with the KTD organization.
                    Look at yourself Bill. You’re not a public figure. You’re not a lama.
                    You’re a crazy old guy spouting compensatory conspiracy theories on the internet because no-one in the real world will take you seriously.
                    Sorry if that is brutal but it is what it is.

                    • This is what happens when someone is afraid of his peers.

                      It gets personal.

                      Ogyen Trinley Dorje is the first of his kind come to age.

                      He is a Tibetan leader whom has taken money on an unprecedented scale from the Chinese for over a decade.

                      As a Karma Kagyu lama, a public figure, I can speak out on this.

                      My fellow lamas as mere retreat lamas whom paid for the privilege can’t as such.

                      All this person has to share here is shade.

                      This is all public record.

                      My readers can decide for themselves what they think.

  2. Keep on & good luck, Bill! Best wishes from faraway Germany.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s